The big 5-0!!!!

So today is a red letter day--I have officially lost 50 pounds since January 17.  I really didn't think it would happen...I thought for sure I would have failed by now.  Given up.  Messed up beyond all repair.  And yet through the grace of God I have managed to not have a single Coke, cookie, brownie, ice cream cone, slice of bread, candy bar, or any of the hundred things I used to be addicted to.  It's exciting to think about.  My mom and Mark have both asked me how much more I plan to lose.  The truth is, I don't know!!!  I'm just going to eat like this for the rest of my life and whatever weight God puts me at, that is where I will end up!  It's fun to look forward and know His perfect plan will be revealed.

Only in my dreams...

Last night I dreamt that I was all alone at the dinner table after mealtime, and a pan of brownies sat in front of me.  So I ate one....and another...and another.  Soon I noticed that also on the table were chocolate chip cookies.  So I had a few of those.  And then--I felt regret.  I had worked so hard, come so far, and now here I was, reverting back to my old patterns.  I wept at my failure. Begged forgiveness from Mark. 

Except I didn't.

And I haven't.

It was only a dream, thank the Lord!!!  And it helps me strengthen my resolve once again to continue on this journey of not just losing weight, but of choosing God over the temporary comforts of this world.  It is so hard but SOOO worth it  :)

Gimme gimme gimme!!!!

So I experienced kind of a weird phenomenon this week--the urge to binge.  I've binged many times before, but typically I had a specific food that was the target of my binge.  This time, it didn't really matter to me what food it was.  For instance--Tuesday I was cleaning up my kitchen area at work after lunch service and nearly shoved a bunch of leftover chicken tenders in my mouth.  Wednesday I nearly ate a whole box of granola bars after work.  Then last night I was getting Emily a bowl of ice cream and I nearly ate the remainder of the carton.  It scares me how close I have been, and how easily I could fall back into the patterns that used to be, for me, an every day occurrence.  But thankfully, God gave me the strength to quickly throw the chicken tenders in the garbage....stay away from the pantry...put the ice cream back in the freezer...make the decision to stay away once more.  I pray He will continue to help me make the right decision in those hard places.

How long?

So some people--my kiddos mostly--keep asking me, how long are you going to do this for?

When I say forever I think they think I am kidding. 

But that's the plan!!!  Sometimes I wonder if I will even make it through a day, let alone the rest of my life, without sweets.  So I decide (OFTEN) that I am just going to do my best for today.  I pray to God daily for strength to not eat sugar, and because of His grace, He answers and helps me.  I feel like there may be a day in the future where I can maybe have just one piece of birthday cake....just one ice cream cone...but I am not there yet, and I am scared to even consider trying because it has been a tough journey so far and I don't want to have to start all over.

One day at a time, sweet Jesus  :)

I Miss It!

I'm not gonna lie--I miss sweets.  A lot. 

I went to buy groceries yesterday and bought my hubby some Oatmeal Cream Pies, because they are one of his favorite treats.  And I was hungry. So as I loaded up the car I thought for a split second, I'm gonna have one of those!  In the past, I would have--in fact I probably would have had two or three on the drive home.  Instead, I reached over into the bag of apples, and had that instead.  While it is easy to say now that I am proud of that decision I made, I honestly wonder--can I keep this up for the rest of my life?  I know I need to.  I know I WANT to even.  But can I...?

How can I know in my head what is best for me, yet my heart still wants something different?

Why don't I crave God like I crave sweets?  I wish I did. 

That is my prayer today--"Dear Lord, help me crave You above all things."

--Amen

A Secret....

263.2.

It's like a secret you don't want anyone to know.  Because if they don't know--then maybe you won't seem as fat.  Right? 

Ridiculous, I know. 

So at the beginning of 2017, I had no grand plans for going on a diet, losing weight, or any of the "resolution-y" type things that many people are spurred on to do.  Instead, I just started reading a book that encouraged thirty minutes of quiet time every day.  And while I had thought this for a long time, suddenly I knew it was TIME--God was nudging me, and telling me it was time to break up with sweets. 

To be honest, I believe I have an addiction to sugar.  I could make a cake for my daughter's birthday, and the next day eat four pieces before thinking, "maybe I should quit..."  I was drinking at least one if not two 20 oz. Cokes a day.  I relished having candy in the house for holidays, and could eat a whole bag of mini Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in one sitting.  I would love it while it was happening--and regret it as soon as it was done.  Regret that I had been out of control.  Regret that if I kept eating like this, I was just going to keep gaining and gaining.  And yet, I couldn't stop.  I had friends who had quit sugar completely and I thought this was probably what I needed to do--though I  doubted I ever could.  But hey, it was worth a shot! 

So on January 17, I began.  I decided I would eat whatever fruits, vegetables, meats, and nuts I wanted...but no sugar.  No flour.  No milk.  Man, what a headache the first few days.  And my daughter's birthday just happened to be the 18th.  (What?!?  No birthday cake?!?)  But I had made a decision, and it actually was kind of easier that I had a line drawn in the sand as far as what I would or would not eat.  And God gave me the strength to persevere.  I know it was Him because I am 40 years old and I couldn't ever do it on my own. 

So here it is, February 16. 

And now the number is 245.2.

God is great.